The rise of Evil Tebow

I couldn't stand Tim Tebow when he played at Florida.  It wasn't one of those "I hate Florida sports, ergo I hate their players," or a jealous of success thing.  It was simply the saturation of the coverage of him.  Which wasn't his fault!

Look at his "form"

Tebow love began in earnest during his Sophmore year, when his electric play earned him the Heisman trophy, and sparked talk of his chances to win it again, a feat pulled off by Archie Griffin, but never matched since.  Tebow followed up that season with a BCS title win over Oklahoma, but no further Heisman trophy.  Things started to get really bad during his senior year.

In 2009 all eyes were on Tebow and Florida.  Everyone wanted to know if they could repeat, if Tebow would win another Heisman, what his pro prospects would be, Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow.  I am definitely a fan of the NFL far more then NCAA football, but I already hated Tebow's NFL career well before it began.  For me, the moment when Tebow mania hit critical mass and got me to throw up my hands and walk away was after their fourth game of the year, against Kentucky.  Near the end of the blowout win, Tebow was hit and fell backwards, striking another players knee and suffering a concussion.

Jesus is down!  Jesus is down!

After this happened, all news stopped.

Seriously.

Nothing else happened in the world.

Yes, I watch a lot of sports news, but I do also watch world news, and all everyone was talking about was whether or not Tebow would play in the team's next game.  Every single day, there was "breaking news" on his status, which inevitably led to the news being there was no news.  For someone who was already beginning to be hated because of the media saturation he received, this was just the worst.  The part that bothered me the most was that there were other, key players on other teams who were injured, and no one cared.  Looking back now, I laugh because this predated the NFL's heads up campaign, where all concussions are now treated this way.  Tebow's was treated this way because... he's Tim Tebow.  That's it.

So Tebow finished his college career in a fairly lackluster way compared to how it began, and the NFL draft was approaching.  As a fan who had seen him play way too much (against my will.  I wanted to watch football, they forced me to watch Tebow.) I didn't think he had what it took to make it in the NFL.  I looked at him and saw Jason White, the Heisman winner from Oklahoma who never made an NFL roster because of his abilities.  Tebow was exciting, but he couldn't throw a spiral, he was an option QB who was in the right situation at the right time, and now he was seen as an exciting prospect in the NFL.

Yay!  They wasted a draft pick!

Please.

If White wasn't drafted, Tebow didn't deserve to be either.  But no, here comes Denver in the first round, they take him.

I laughed.

I still hate Denver from the old AFC West days, so watching a team I don't like take a player I didn't expect to be any good was... simply wonderful.  The first round pick was way too much pressure for Tebow, and he never lived up to it.  He never had a chance to start over Kyle Orton (ha!)  and the only reason he did was because of injury.

But Tebow won a playoff game!  Over the Steelers no less!

 I watched that game.  It went to overtime, was in Denver, and Denver won because of playcalling.  I watched Denver run the same option QB draw at least a dozen times in the game, and in overtime, they actually passed.  Tebow hit a wide open WR, TD Broncos, game over.

An overtime playoff win and an internet meme!  Sensational!

Then they went to New England, got slaughtered, and Tebow never played another meaningful down in the NFL again.  Throughout this entire time, we never heard the end of Tebow mania.  It even led to the creation of a damn meme in Tebowing.  Every lame duck pass, every missed receiver, every rush up the middle for two yards, it was all there, all the time.  Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow.

And now we are here again, in the exact same boat.

Except this time, he's not a boy scout.  Not a national champion.  Heisman winner, yes.  Exciting player, yes.

Enter Johnny Manziel.

The tool is here.

 Manziel didn't quite get the hype in college that Tebow got, partly because of his school, and partly because...

He's a total douchebag.

As Manziel got more and more notoriety in the college ranks, more and more of his personal life came out in the media, and it never painted him in a positive light.  The first sign of his anti-Tebow antics that I can recall was him heading to Austin after his freshman year at Texas A&M.  Being the Heisman winner and celebrated hero of College Station he tried to crash a frat party at the University of Texas.  Naturally, they kicked him out.  Didn't matter how successful he was or how famous he was, he was still the starting quarterback at an in state rival.  He was the enemy.  And yet he still felt entitled to crash a party he had no place in going to.  And it wasn't just that he tried to crash the party, it was that he made a scene afterwards.  He was pissed, and didn't understand why they wanted him to leave.  The whole experience didn't humble him like it should of, it just angered him and fueled his sense of entitlement.

"This totally seems like a good idea!"

At this time, my curiosity got the better of me, and I started thinking "what the hell is wrong with this guy?"  So a little bit of research into Manziel's past and upbringing revealed the answer.

Manziel comes from money.

This by default doesn't make someone a douche, but explains the type of d baggery seen in Manziel.  His whole life he was entitled, and apparently spoiled, and it led to the type of entitlement he clearly displays today.  Even after he was drafted, his attitude didn't change.  He walked onto the stage flashing that money sign he's always used (and after getting in trouble for being paid for autographs, he still did it), and began to do what he has always done.  Acted entitled.

Browns camp begins, and nothing of note happens... until they break for the weekend.  Manziel goes to Vegas, and since he's a smart, rational human being, decides that his decidely negative public image can use this image to help out.

Now, a 20 something partying his ass off in Vegas is nothing to hold against him, but after having mediocre camp performances, most players would be trying to get better.  Not Manziel.  He's entitled.  He deserves to be the quarterback.  He doesn't have to work for it.  And this is the attitude he's had his entire football career.

And it has been GLORIOUS.

I hate this prick.  Seriously, I can't stand him at all.  I want him to fail.  But it's like a train wreck.  With explosions.  And naked women.  You can't look away.

And it is everything the NFL wants, and more.

Manziel being drafted by Cleveland was the sideshow the NFL wanted.  It was all anyone talked about.  Never mind Minnesota drafting Teddy Bridgewater (Arguably the best pick of the draft) or the Jaguars drafting Blake Bortles when they did, those stories did not matter.  All talk was on Manziel.

And you can't get away from it.

Even when Lebron James announced he was coming back to Cleveland, that news was quickly swept under the rug to report on Manziel taking reps with the first team in practice.  The proven, championship commodity of Lebron James returning home to the most downtrodden sports city in the country was playing second fiddle to an exciting asshole who probably wasn't going to win the starting job.

Hoyer actually played really good last year.  No way Manziel beats him out.

 Day in and day out, all sports news was about Manziel.  I loved watching it because I hated it.  I was blown away that this schmuck was getting so much air time, that all talk was about him.  The media saturation was too much in college, and before he ever takes a pro snap, it reached Tebow levels.  The interesting thing about this all, is Manziel is a selfish ass, while Tebow never was.  Tebow didn't tell the media no, but he didn't clamor for the spotlight and media attention like Manziel is going to.

Manziel will probably start at some point this year, and I will laugh as he struggles in game, then claw my eyeballs out as all I hear during the week is about him.  He is proof that the NFL is king, and no matter what happens in the world of sports, all this country cares about is football.  We need our football anti-hero.  We need our Johnny Manziel.

We need our Evil Tebow.

He can totally handle the pressure.

I think I'm done recycling

My whole life, I've recycled.  I think.  I can't recall not recycling, it's been something ingrained in me as far back as I can remember.  I can recall having to sort out newspaper and cardboard, and getting in trouble when I didn't do it as a kid, resulting in the bins not being picked up.  What I'm trying to get at here, is I've always recycled.

I'm thinking I might be done with that now.

I've lived back in Washington for almost two months now after a three year stint in Texas, and in that time I've been completely put off by recycling.  The greenest damn state in the union has done this to me.  How the hell did that happen?

By them trying to be greener, and the hypocrisy that ensues.

Nothing is this beautiful in Texas.

Right after we moved here, a law passed in the previous election in Thurston County went into effect, which banned plastic bags from grocery stores, and created a surcharge on paper bags.

The plastic bag I saw coming, it's going to be state wide soon, but the charge for paper bags is infuriating, and here is why.

PAY MONEY FOR ME!

You can recycle paper bags.  In fact, most brown paper bags are made from old paper bags.  They constantly get recycled to make more paper bags.  Even if for some insane reason they were not recyclable, we live in Washington, where we have this little company called Weyerhaeuser.

For those of you not familiar with Weyerhaeuser, they're the reason people live in Washington today.  Over 100 years old, Weyerhaeuser did what all timber companies did in that time.  They blindly cut down trees without regard to anything.  But Weyerhaeuser did something very unique, and very Lorax-y (Yes, that's a word.   Shut up.)  On their own and with no pressure from government entities such as the EPA, Weyerhaeuser began to create working forests.  Using controlled forestry they began to function in much the way Ducks Unlimited does.  They realized they couldn't blindly harvest every tree in site (a practice that caused the world's largest sawmill in Longview WA to close), but that they needed to cultivate and nurture the forests in order to ensure they would always be able to harvest from them.  Yes, they began to do this for purely capitalist reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that the practice was also extremely environmentally friendly, and is a practice that they still do today, and have even greatly improved on with the advent of technology creating genetically superior trees (Seriously, I can't make this up)

It is not hard to find this environment in Washington.

Because of the nature of Weyerhaeuser and other timber companies in Washington, wood and pulp products are not only in great supply, but they are renewable, completely and utterly under the current forestry practices.  So much so that if no paper products were ever recycled in this state, the production rate of all of these products would be unchanged, and the rate at which timber is harvested would also remain unchanged.  Short story?  Charging for paper bags is stupid.

"But that's why you buy reusable bags Jake.  You bring them into the store and don't have to worry about the charges."

Sure, but it meant I had to buy them.  And they're not recyclable.  And they break easily.  Well, the handles break off of them easily.  Which makes them difficult to use.  Which makes me throw them away.  If I had a plastic bag, that wouldn't happen.  I know this because I have placed similar, if not greater, loads in plastic bags and not have them break.

"But plastic bags aren't recyclable!  They contribute to landfills and overall trash levels!"

I am evil!  FEAR ME!

Yes and no here.  Every plastic bag I got in Texas - every single one - was recycled in one of two ways.  The bags with holes in them were compiled into a pile and taken to a recycling center that recycled plastic bags.  Simple, easy, green.  The bags without holes were used when we scooped out our cat boxes to hold cat poop, meaning they got a second use, which is the whole purpose of recycling. 

Now, I have to buy plastic bags for the sole purpose of collecting cat poop, which results in me consuming the same amount of plastic bags as before, but now at a higher cost!

This frustrates the hell out of me.  I get it, recycling is good, save the planet, all that jazz, and I have done more then most people will do in the course of their lives simply by always recycling.  But while all of those grocery bag stuff has been extremely annoying, and in my opinion extremely unnecessary, they were tolerable to me as I still recycled.  Here's where the hypocrisy comes in.

Door hangers.

Like I said before, I've lived here for almost two months, and in that time we have already received more door hangers on our house then in three years in Texas.  We didn't live out in the boonies, we lived in the middle of suburbia, yet for some reason once we moved back to this green, environmentally sound state, we receive constant litter on our door.  And many of the hangers are not recyclable, because they're made of some sort of weird plastic!  And these are just the door hangers, I don't even count the flyers I get on the window of my car, which are almost always thrown away because I'm out and about when I get them.

This is the hypocrisy of recycling here, and I am through.  If you really want to reduce waste, pass a law outlawing door hangers.  Or car flyers.  That would make a huge difference, not inconvenice anyone, and make everyone happier.  Banning plastic bags?  Not the way to do it.

Am I going to stop recycling?  Of course not.  It's hard to break a habit I've had for 30 years.  But I'm still angry at my door litter.  And overreaction is the only way to react.

Jersey Snob

I'm a very picky person when it comes to which players jerseys I buy.  I try to avoid any flash in the pan types, make sure the player is good, and make sure they're sticking around for a while.  I also usually avoid the most popular jerseys on the team.  I think it's the hipster in me, so I can say "I liked him before it was cool," or something.  It's also fun to find those jerseys several years later after the player's career has played out, and get a good laugh.  Having said all of this, one thing I am very guilty of is judging a book by it's cover when I see someone in a player jersey.  Based on who you're wearing - and when - I will come to immediate conclusions based on that jersey.  Here's an incomplete breakdown that will attempt to rationalize my reasoning.  This list will encompass jerseys I've actually seen.

Tony Romo - This person is completely delusional.  They probably believe in horoscopes, fortune tellers, and vaccinations causing ADD.  Facts won't dissuade this person no matter what.

More fun to post a picture of Mrs. Tony Romo, Candice Crawford, then Romo himself.

Matt Elam - Anyone who owns a non-Vinatieri kicker jersey is a crazy die hard fan of their team.  Not only does it take stones to sport a kicker jersey in public, there is usually a fantastic story behind why they own this jersey.  (Seriously, the girl I met who had this was hysterical.  I asked her out because of this jersey.  It.... didn't go well after that, but the jersey story was funny)

Aaron Brooks - This person liked the Saints before all the "Who dat" mania, and was proud to sport the jersey of a horrendously bad player in support of their team.  Love ya Matt, but I gave you a lot of grief for owning this one, and it was well warranted.  You got your title though, so props.

The look of a winner.

Tom Brady/Kobe Bryant/LeBron James - A post championship bandwagon fan who got the jersey because the player is good, not because they're supporting a team or actually care about how they do.  Obviously, if you live in New England/LA/Miami you are exempt from this application, but as I have not seen those jerseys there, it applies.  You bastards know who you are...

Matt Flynn - You are a sad, sad man.  Your life did not work out the way you thought it would.  Nothing ever goes to plan.  You thought this was a great idea, you even paid for rush shipping to have it before the first preseason game.  Because that's the only time you got to see him play.  People tend to feel really sorry for you.  Or, if you're me, they laugh at your misfortune in having paid way too much money for this jersey.  And yes, it was a Seahawks Flynn jersey I saw.

No matter what happens to him, Matt Flynn comes home to her.  Don't feel bad for him.

Ben Rothlisberger - You are a Steelers fan, but you don't follow the team or any news about them.  So the word "fan" is applied here loosely.  The guy I met with this one... oof.  I've talked to several Steelers fans, and they all hate this guy, so if you really follow the team, you don't wear this.

Tyrannic War Veteran - Yes, this was real.  It was a custom Vikings jersey worn by an absolute jackass of a man.  The nerdity it oozes you can smell from a mile away, and given that when I saw this it was clearly an old jersey based on how faded it was, it made me hang my head that much more.  Of course, the head hanging occurred after a healthy bout of laughter, me rolling on the floor, and me asking other people around me, loudly, "Does that say what I think it says?"  I kinda tore into this guy, but he really was a dick, so with that jersey I didn't feel bad in the slightest.

Now, while I have made fun of lots of jerseys I've seen in person, I feel it is only fair that I talk about the jerseys I own, why I bought them, and what I think they say about me when I wear them.

Russel Wilson - While I bought it before last season, when I wore it it said "Haha, there's a delusional Seahawks fan."  After the Superbowl, it was "Pfft, bandwagon fan."  Now that I'm back here, it's "Hey, he's one of us."  So I'll take it.

Earl Thomas - Most people don't know all the members of the Legion of Boom outside of the state, so I got lots of "Who's that?" when I wore this in Texas.  Which honestly was surprising since he's from Texas.  To me, this became similar to the Aaron Rogers situation listed above.  Except I bought this specifically because I knew he was the second coming of Ed Reed.  So it has less potential for "haha, you own that jersey" then Brooks.

Love me some Earl.

Lofa Tatupu - I bought this prior Superbowl XL.  I don't talk about that much.  I thought he was Urlacher 2.0.  I was wrong.  Still good for a laugh.

Ichiro - Came to the M's in 2001, and while everyone doubted the impact he would have, I did my homework and saw his career with the Orix Blue Wave and got really, really excited.  I got this jersey that year, and it's still fun to bust it out every now and then.  This one has some hipster in me coming out, because I totally bought it before he was cool.

Raul Ibanez - The immortal ballplayer, the wayward son who has come back to the M's twice before, I loved yelling "Rauuuuuuuuul" at games, including when I went to Yankee Stadium.  I got significantly quieter when he made a pretty horrible throwing error.

And now.... the truly horrible jerseys I own that make people grimace when I pull them out.

J.J. Putz - He had a great year as a closer.  I bought the jersey.  It never happened again.  I've worn this several times, knowing that the name Putz on my back was very appropriate.

Koren Robinson - It was on sale.  No other excuse.

Good ol' K-Drop.